Expectations

G and I have been “trying” for lack of better term for another baby since we miscarried in March of last year. So nearly a year and a half. It’s been rough, and in the end the time really has allowed me to heal my heart. I no longer feel deep envy when others end up pregnant.

Recently, E had begun to talk to Jesus on her little plastic phone. A lot We’d laugh and say she’s going to be a nun someday because he’s been calling her since she was a toddler! And she wanted a baby. So she’d ask Jesus for a baby.

And I no longer felt it was bad juju to buy baby things. I found an adorable fox sleeper at Target that I decided was gender neutral enough and we bought it. I started getting rid of plastic baby toys and replacing with soft pieces or wood. G would laugh and I’d say, “If you build it, they will come.” For once, there was less urgency and desperation, just calm.

So I guess I should not have been surprised when 2 weeks ago we found out that I was indeed pregnant. It was super early (like 8 days before anything was expected early), but quite clear. We are expecting a new wee one next April.

We’d discussed this intensely. I could not go through another loss where no one even knew there had been dreams of the future. This time we would tell everyone immediately. If grieving came later, I wanted a tribe to surround me.

I’m 6 weeks along and I just feel calm. Peace. I don’t have this sense of dread like I felt from the beginning of the last pregnancy. We’re actually picturing what next summer will be like, picnicking at the abbey in England, a rambunctious toddler running around while I sit with a newborn.

The future is uncertain as it is always. But I am hopeful that our family is indeed growing. And I’m facing the future with a full heart.